Wednesday, 14 November 2007

• All I Once Thought Gain.

  [I have counted loss.]
  
  Lately I've had a lot of thoughts about strength and power. About what it means to be powerful, and about what strength really looks like, and how it's supposed to be used.
  
  I'm not really bashful, or a least haven't been, about drawing attention to myself and my mad skillz in the realms of physical abilities. More than I bit I've talked about soccer, about martial arts, about my workout routines, etc. And it's not all for show- I really do enjoy those things and enjoy talking about them. But to some degree, yes. I wanted confirmation from other people about how cool I am. And that's not necessarily a bad thing- people are wired to want encouragement and praise from other people. But to another degree, parts of me just wanted to make a boast in my abilities and have people be amazed.
  
  Thank God for grace. I'd be suuuccchhh a goner without it.
  
  But I'm a little bit wiser now than I was then. Not a boast, a thanksgiving. And I'm satisfied now by my Father's confirmation of me.
  
  I've ceased my studies of martial arts.
  
  For several reasons, and not just that the price was a bit more than I can currently afford. Really, I just know now that violence is, and at it's core always will be, about my strength. It is about what I can do by the might of my arm. Is that wrong? Not in the slightest. Not wrong.
  
  But something in me knows that when I lay down my strength, it is an opportunity for Him to make His strength manifest. And I know that I want his strength to be glorified in me, in every faucet and expression of what I do and say. And when my attitude and mindset is about what I am going to do from my might, I know that something is wrong.
  
  Don't take me wrong. This is not a case for, "Oh, well, there's nothing I can do here and I just need to wait on the Lord and not rely on my strength." Not that. God gave me strength, and he did for a purpose. So that I can serve people. That simple. And to a very real and undeniable degree, serving people can and does involve defending them. What is different now is that I am losing my desire to be glorified by said service. That I would much, much rather be such a courier of heaven that ungodly conflict ceases. I would rather bring the reality of heaven into a situation in such a way that the only person who gets any credit or glory is Jesus.
  
  So. No more martial arts. I know more than enough of how to hurt someone. And I've had a season now where I possessed a strength that I could boast of.
  
  And I'm sick of myself and my underlying attitude. Of looking for potential trouble and challengers, and looking at situations as an egotistical prick erm, jerk. News flash: Ethan May is not all that impressive. He's mostly a poser. He talks big, because he felt small inside, and used his strength to make himself bigger [not just physical strength, you understand. there's a lot of kinds of strength].
  
  And Jesus is teaching me how a servant's heart really feels. And how it really serves.
  
  And I know that I have done good in the past, that I have been of service to people, that I have used my strength for honorable and good purposes too, and yadayadayadaSHUSH.
  
  I know a lot of my heart, and God knows that plus everything I don't.
  
  So I have a new creed for myself, one that I feel is my Father's heart for me.
  
  I will never again, to the best of my ability, seek to use my strength to bring attention to myself, to glorify myself, or to create any sort of waves over the filthy rags of Ethan May. I never again make a boast about myself or what I am capable of, unless it is the glory of what Christ has done for me. I want my strength to be something that is quiet and merely capable. Nothing more.
  
  Not me containing my strength so much as me not even considering my strength because of the glorious riches and power of Jesus Christ.
  
  I don't want to be identified by the violent type of humor I've used for the past nine years. That is Ethan, Master Poser. And it's so foolish and so self-wrought that it makes me cringe. I don't want to hand out threats, I want to speak life. I don't want to be intimidating, I want to be infectiously welcoming.
  
  It is not my nature to be violent. It never has been. I've been pretending for nearly all of my teenage years, covering up for a boy with insecurities he never knew he had [after all, with all kinds of bitterness, cynicism, sarcasm and anger, who can tell?]. Covering up for boy who never understood who his Father made him to be. And he still doesn't, not totally. But he understands enough now to know- it's not about him. And maybe for the first time, he really gets that.
  
  I think I'm really growing. And it just makes me want to plant more seed and protect the garden more carefully.
  
  God, you're so good. You give better gifts than your children could ever ask for, and show us things we could never see ourselves.
  
  I'm turning twenty on Thursday. Which, in a very real way, is exciting because of the fact that it is closing a chapter on boyhood. A boyhood of posership. I know that there is renewal that I will have continue to experience in that area, but I know with assurance- that Ethan is crucified. A new creation lives today.
  
  Your humble servant,
  -Ethan
  
  
  

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